Do you have a down-low experience you want to share? Have you read The Straight-Up Truth About The Down-Low, and want to write your own review? Do it here:
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Name: Where Do I Start...Thank you Joy Marie. You are right. Reading your words brought tears to my eyes because I am scared, I do feel like this is all my fault, and I know I will never "catch him" which is the only way to know for certain. I know that if it were true he would never admit it - never.
I will get your book and take your advice about finding someone to confide in. He is so perfect that I know my family will never believe me. My biggest fear is that I am totally wrong and that I will be ruining the life of my children and a good man. I am praying that God reveals truth to me and I know that I will make it through this.
Thank you and all who have had the courage to post about this. It is comforting to see that I am not alone.
Name: Joy MarieTo Anne
Wow!!! What you have said here will help so many women. You have described each and every sign we give in our book. Bless you for being so very candid. In reading your post, what I feel is that you will conquer this betrayal in a mighty way. You have passed beyond the denial and have come into believing in YOU again. You go girl. What a woman.
Name: Joy MarieTo "Where Do I Start"
Your intuition has already told you what is most likely the truth, even though you may never see it with your own eyes. Even though things are better, they are still not quite right are they? You still have a nagging gut feeling that he is sleeping with men...am I right? If a person never admits their wrongdoing, what would make them change it? We are sorry you are facing this dilemna. It is so unfair. When reading your story, I re-live so much of my own life and the tricks, deceipt, and reckless behavior of my own spouse. Yes, he made me feel crazy too. Whatever man happened to be his target or love interest, became his topic of conversation and it was always him telling me how unfaithful that man was to his wife. This was to make me think the man couldn't possibly be gay. Down-low men will use whatever works. Well, if you have not read our book, please get it because we arm you with information and advice that will give you the strength, courage and self-respect to do what is best for you. You can never change anyone else. You can only change YOU!. I know you are afraid. Be wise and make good decisions. Seek the counseling of someone that you trust so they can help you. Things will become overwhelming. Please, do not retaliate in any way. You could be harmed if you do. Decide what YOU want your future to be and start setting goals. I know that people reading this post want me to give you good news and tell you that everything will be alright. But, I cannot do that. Why? Because I don't know if it will or not. All I can do is try to validate your feelings and let you know that you will make it through this. Listen to your intuition.
Name: AnneI am currently still married (19+ yrs.) to my gay married husband. He does not know that I have actually suspected for years, done years of research on gay married men, been to therapists, and have been extremely observant; watching for clues. I have even confronted him on the possibility of his being a latent homosexual at 52, and off and on for about the last 6 years, but of course he tries to throw me off track and denies it. I am still trying to "catch him" and need "proof" for myself; even though my feminine instinct knows its true. It is all coming to a head now though, because I believe that he can no longer suppress it. He really started to change and become more obvious to me just a few months ago. He is an extremely handsome man, and even alot of women (co-workers) have been interested in him. In fact, I thought he was having an ongoing emotional affair with one of the women. But he is not. Here have been the recent obvious signs: working out alot more; obsessed with his physique; has always dressed to kill-but is dressing more preppy; recently bought new underwear, shirts, shoes; takes about 2 hrs. to get dressed-looks like a professional business man model; fanatical about his hair being perfect-special hair care products; recently become very secretive with his cell phone (won't answer it or read his emails/texts in front of me); will leave the room or make excuses to "go to the bathroom" after phone alert goes off; secretive on the computer upstairs for hours; deletes the history/temporary internet files on the computer; mysteriously leaves for anywhere from 30 mins. to an hour/couple of hours to run to the store; doesn't answer cell phone when I call-says it was on silent or had a bad signal; VERY EMOTIONALLY DETACHED AND DISTRACTED; VERY SECRETIVE WITH CELL PHONE/COMPUTER; always washing his car (to get rid of evidence/make a good impression); NEVER has initiated sex in our 19 year marriage; NEVER SEEMS TO BE INTERESTED IN SEX OR SEEMS TO HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX DRIVE (doesn't bother him to go without sex for long periods of time); prefers for me to "ask" for sex-but initially told me I was a sex maniac; has never in our 19 year marriage taken a bath/shower/skinny-dip with me; will only have sex in the missionary position (lasts about 20-30 minutes and the same way every time); HAS NEVER DONE ORAL SEX ON ME; doesn't want me to do it him, is disgusted and turned off to a woman's genitalia (won't touch it, smell it, lick it, says it's gross because of the fluids); doesn't like for me to suggest other positions and other things to spice it up (has said "that's gay); EXTREMELY HOMOPHOBIC; and sits down to urinate (uses the stall in the men's public restroom); shaves most of his legs (says it's because he had to tape his ankles during high school football; said he had never had "sex" with a woman before he met me (age 31). I am sensing that my husband wants out of the marriage because he said he felt "trapped", "was tired", "doesn't know how much longer he can continue to tread water; yet he wants to remain married to prove to the world that he is straight. Another major thing that has been happening through out the marriage ( a few times a year) is that he throws up alot and has diarrhea when he gets home for being gone for a while. It has been worrying me, because I hope he is not engaging in unprotected sex. I am no longer having sex with him, as a protection to myself, even though we haven't really ever had a "normal and healthy sex life". I pray that he will be true to himself and to me, so that we can just both move on and be happy with whatever our desires/needs might be. I am tired of the disception, secrets, depression, and mainly feeling like it's my fault. I believe the "truth will set us free"! I want to be free to love a man wholeheartedly;physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Thank you for reading my post! I pray for women in the world who have done nothing to deserve this "closeted life" to protect our husbands and our children, the traditional marriage/family units, and to rebuild our self-esteem and self-confidence again. Good Luck to all of you!
Name: Where Do I Start...I met my husband through my sister's husband when they were getting married. He was my soon to be brother-in-law's best friend. When we met he lived in another town so he would drive to see me every weekend. I would not discribe him as overly attractive, I like to think I saw the inner beauty. This is what makes this so hard and why I am so confused now...
We have been married for about 8 years and we dated for 2 years prior - long distance. From the start I had this little voice inside telling me something was not right. He is not feminie just not super macho. He is kind, helpful (does dishes, mopping, cleaning, you name it!) loving and respectful. Sometimes I feel like he is the femail and I am the man in the relationship since I am more aggressive. While we were dating he made all the first moves but he was awkward since I was only the 2nd girl he had been with. He was my first. After we were married I had to come on to him. When I mentioned it to him he said that I am too aggressive and that I want to do "it" too often. At first it was 3 to 4 times a week then 2 times a week and about two years ago it was maybe 1 per week. (This changed after we had a huge agrument and I confronted him with my concerns - will get to that later.)
On our wedding day when the pastor said that he though I was his best friend, my brother-in-law became so upset that he refused to go to the party. By the time my sister got him to agree to go, she had already changed out of her dress!
Aside from all of this, while we were dating his "friend" / my borther-in-law would make comments like "i had him first". Unlike your typical man, he would not defend himself or get mad about it. Later, after we were married my borther-in-law came to our city to work for a couple of days since his compnany did not have any work for him at home. I thought it was odd that he wanted to stay with us instead of the hotel the company provided, then my husband insisted on leaving work early to let him in the house after work. I said, why don't you just leave him a key? But my husband said that would be rude. When I got home early, I found them in the garage staring at a new tool but I felt like something was wrong. that night my husband did not want to make love and even got mad about it saying he might hear - our house was huge and he was staying on the other end.
My husband entertained the idea of accepting a job that would take him out of the state for a few months. I was told by my sister and family (they thought it was haha funny) that he had said he would quit his job and do out of state with my husband.
Then when we moved back to the town where my folks and he lived, we had to move to a house next door to them. He was always at our house, EVERYDAY when I got home. The day when my son (3 at the time) told me that his uncle was "helping his daddy in my room and he was mad cause he could not go in" was the day I decided to put a tape recorder in the house. I heard some loud sounds but no voices or heavy breathing. The toilet did flush though way too many times. That was the day he had asked me to pick up our son after work because he needed to get home early to cut the yard... the recording was useless, should have video taped, and when I confronted my husband about everything he said I was crazy. I really do feel crazy.
A lot has changed since then. Before this happened he never even wanted to perform oral sex on me but loved for me to do it to him. Also, he no longer hangs out 24/7 with my brother-in-law. We make love about 2- 3 times per week and everything seems normal again. I have checked his phone records and never found any issues. Never found any porn on the computer.
I think his parents never really cared for this friend and my husbands says they were just friends because he felt bad for him. His friend is also very homophobic. My husband even told me that once, my brother-in-law and his brother came over to his place to visit and that he and my brother-in-law had gone in to his room and shut the door to have a private conversation about girl trouble - this apparently caused my B-in-law's brother to say hey, are you gay?
I don't really have any proof and feel like all of these events that I keep running through my head are just me seeing what I want to see. He is such a wonderful partner and dad. All of my family loves him and my parents think I am crazy for having doubts.
My instinct is that he is not gay but that he failed to act when I would mention the things that made me uncomfortable. Now, I am living with this. Anyone care to take a side????
Name: DanieleI have been searching the internet for months now to find information on how to deal with this type of ordeal. I want to get your book to find out more information about this epidemic( Down Low Men.
Th worse part of it is when the guy acts like a thug and all manly. My ex use to talk about sex so much before we got together, then when we were a couple he did not want sex but wanted me to perform oral sex all the time. I had to beg him for sex. He would have sex with me once a week and he would make up strange excuses not to have sex. He then started to harass me about anal sex, which he knew I was not into. I never felt he was happy with me. I need help to get over this. I hope this book can help, cause I really need it .
Name: KathieI'm out of the marriage, after 19 years. I'd like to offer advice to the "family and marriage counsellor" we saw within a few months of when we started dating.
Yes, we had to see a relationship counsellor within a few months of meeting each other. Why? Because HE was avoiding sex. News flash, counsellor. When a 34 year old, healthy, attractive, well-employed-at-his-dream-job man is avoiding sex with his brand-new, fit, nice, attractive, bright 27-year-old girlfriend, the solution is NOT to get married!
I've been separated 2 1/2 years now and life is good. I'm no longer getting vaginal infections every time he comes back from a business trip - been free of that since the day he walked out! And no longer the brunt of his rages, his passive/aggression, his "accidentally" hurting me in bed, destroying my clothing in the laundry, etc.
And I don't have to deal with his passive/aggressive premature ejaculation, that went on for years with no attempt to address it beyond a whiny, "Sorry!" every time it happened. I'd wait for his interest, his touch, finally initiate it myself, and then it was over in five seconds.
Unfortunately his denial is so severe that he keeps dating women now, won't ever come to terms with this. He is invested in his friends' believing that I was the problem in the marriage, so he can never come out. I, meanwhile, met a heterosexual man before I figured all this out and ended the marriage, and so those friends do have reason to believe him. I won't tell our 13-yo daughter so I can't tell those friends. The worst is that my own sister and her husband believe him and have shunned me and called me names.
Lost a few friends but I have my life back! And I have a great guy who loves me and makes me feel like a woman!
It does get better, sisters! For all of you still in the middle of the mess, have hope.
Name: AnnelineHmmm...Its hard to say for certain, but looking back all the signs were there. It started not to long after we were dating; we dated for 5 years. He started cheating with other women, but there was a friend of his in England that had been a male model for one of the couture brands and he could never stop sounding so impressed. I never thought the guy was very good looking myself. In any case over the years there was the gay Christmas party we were invited to by my friends. He disappeared for over an hour in this tiny place and when I did find him he was taking pictures with 6 gay guys in the kitchen loving it up. We lived three years apart on different coasts, due to work. During that time he called to tell me that over the three day weekend he thought he would go to Ptown- a gay island- by himself. He always was a bit phobic - so this was a red flag. Then there was the time when he called upset after a work christmas party in which he got so drunk, he was asked to leave. Apparently, he woke up at a co-workers apartment who was known to be gay. This guy told everyone at the Boston and German office that they slept together. He could not remember anything because he was prone to blackouts when he drank. When I asked him why he did not tell this guy off or tell him to stop the rummer he said it would just make him look guilty. Throughout our relationship he drank a lot, put me down and never wanted to look at me when we were physical. It was my fault, I needed to try harder, I needed to save him - he would say. He had lots of sever family problems which he had run away from and still can not discuss with anyone else. But he is very successful and moving up in his company quickly. People overlook so much because of how he presents himself and he was always quick to throw me under the bus in favor of himself while we were dating. No one suspects with the exception of my gay friends - who have wondered since the beginning. In any case. Its amazing how well some people can cover their tracks- I have heard so many lies over the years. Even though he has moved on and dating others I still get calls wanting to talk because no one else would understand. He is manipulative and sees me as wonderful until he deems he has had enough then he starts in with horrible comments about me.To those that know him he is successful, rational , calm, collected, Mr. social fun....but they dont know the hell I went through and still dont... I have blocked him at any means he may attempt to contact me. I hope one day he can come to terms with who he is - I could love him for that - but not for his hiding and lying.
Name: BethI have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have a 4 year old son and a 7 month old daughter. My husband hasn't been affectionate, passionate, complimentative, or in any way loving with me for 4 years. I initiate sex and when it does happen, I feel as if he is somewhere else. I found gay porn pics on our computer a few years ago and confronted him. His excuse was that it must have been from a pop-up or something of that nature and that he was not gay. Just recently, a mutual friend came forward and told me that he had found a massive amount of gay porn on my husbands computer 10 years ago and that he also had been arrested for soliciting sex with a prostitute (not sure if it was m/f). I don't know what to do or how to do it but I feel as if I am going to burst with anger. Every day I greet him and act all sweet and kind with nothing but snappy remarks and a nasty attitude in return. I am broken, lost, and really just disgusted with him and myself for letting all of this go to the wayside. I think I am going to wake him up right now and have a talk. .. . .and this time I'm not interested in being nice. Thank you for all of you women who were brave enough to share your stories and give me the courage to do what I am about to do!
Name: Mia D.So a few days ago I decide to answer a call from my Ex-Husband. Good conversation, nothing bad at all. After we got off the phone he starts sending me those 'I love you, I miss you, I want us to be together' type texts. Whatever-over it. So then a few nights later he calls again but instead of hearing his voice I hear what could be a females voice "Is this Mia?"....."Yeah, and you are?!!" Now normally I'm a lady but this chick(?) called at the real wrong time to get a nice response from me..."This is C@#$e and I want to know why so & so has been calling you?" High school type drama that I dont have time for. I am heated, heart rate-through the roof, I feel dizzy.....have I entered The Twilight Zone???? I wasn't very nice but that didn't stop this female(?) from telling me all about her and so & so and that they've been together for a while. She explained to me that her and I had talked a few years back after I found a picture of her in his email and I told her that she looked like a man. She then said..."that's because I am a man". Wow. Just to know that someone you spent quite a few years of your life with is banging out a chick with a d@#k just blows my mind!!! There were warning signs that I never really gave much value to like how I would see that he was looking at porn with transexuals, just thought that was some freaky mess is all. But as they say hindsight is 20/20. Thank God I was tested for HIV immediately after leaving him and I will be tested again this month, the recommended 6 months after possibly being exposed. Stay safe ladies...if any dude you meet comes across as even remotely zesty.....run!!!!