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Do you have a down-low experience you want to share? Have you read The Straight-Up Truth About The Down-Low, and want to write your own review? Do it here:
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Name: HeartbrokenI have to start out by saying that I've never posted anything on line and don't even like to let on about this topic. So many of the things you will see below have already been shared by other women. So, please bear with me as I share my pain.
I've been married for 20 years and together for 25. I have 3 children and everyone always says how we are such a "perfect family". In my mind, I want to believe that too but no one knows how painful this relationship really is. I often cry myself to sleep.
When we first got together in college, I thought my husband was a kind and gentle spirit. We would spend hours cuddling and making love. After we got married, my husband was hospitalized with a heart condition and had to begin taking a lot of medication. I attributed our lack of love-making and his lack of arousal to the side effects of medicine. It got to the point that he didn't even want me to touch him, making all kinds of excuses why he couldn't. I asked him to talk to his doctor about an enhancement. He got it but still didn't want to take it.
I then began to notice he could only get aroused if he thought I may try anal sex. I didn't but it seemed to at least get me started. Then began the need for oral sex on him but none for me. I thought he was just a selfish lover. Then I read the stories here and I know there is more to this.
He never likes to kiss during lovemaking. There is no intimacy and I told him that the lack of passion and intimacy made me feel like he was having sex with a prostitute. He always brushed it off.
Next, I began to notice all of the eye contact tha he gave to men. In fact, one man scowled at him I guess because he knew what my husband was doing and wasn't interested. We went out on our 19th anniversary and he ended up spending most of his time looking across the room at a man I would suspect was gay.
I don't know that he has acted this out, but I'm afraid that he may. One New Year's Eve, he calls a male friend who makes me feel very catty, and says to him "thanks for the good times".
I asked my husband if he was gay and he always says no. I don't know what to do. My heart tells me to RUN....I'm heartbroken that I may have wasted some of the best years of my life and I don't want to cause my children pain. As much as I don't want to jump to any conclusions, I don't want to continue to live a lie..
Name: Signs of the TimesWhen I married my husband in 1996 I thought I married my best friend. It was some years later that I suspected that my husband may be gay. My husband and I had been trying to have a baby for years, but when I was diagnosed with cancer all of my dreams was shattered. I started to suspect that something was not right with my husband. We would go months and months without having sex. Everytime we would try he never appeared get aroused. A couple of years ago I decided to ask him that fateful question "Are you Gay'? He said no, but my intuition would tell me different. He always slept with his phone and I never could get to his phone. One day I tricked him. While he was asleep I found his phone and omg I fainted at what I saw. I was able to break the code into his voicemail and listened to all of the phone messages that he had received from men. I even sent an fake email (acting as a guy) to him and see if he would respond. And he did. Once I confronted him about what I had, like pictures, emails, phone messages and a report from a private investigator, I had everything to take him to the BANK. Finally, GOD does not like ugly. His life has been going down hill since.
Name: ConfusedHi,to everyone who read this. I was a member of this one paticular dating site. When i signed on one evening,my girlfriend who is very much into such sites,sent me an e-mail about a guy who was trying to talk to her,but she said he was too far. She told him about me,he gave her his number and ask her to give it to me so i could call him. She thought i should talk to him because we live in the same State. Well,i told her to send his profile over,so i could take a look at it. Did i call him???...Yes. He seem like a nice guy and all. So we set-up a date to meet. After meeting him,i thought there's something about this guy that just doesn't sit right wiht me. I couldn't put my finger on it but i thought that something throughout our entire relationship. Well...if that's what you want to call it. Yes...it was strange,but he was nice to me,so i hung in there with it. Yes,i thought he was GAY!!!!.... I even ask him straight out!!!...Are you Gay???!!....He responded by saying,...."I'm NOT Gay!!...Never thought about being Gay!!!....and Never will be Gay!!!.. He said he was just intouch with his Feminine Side.... I thought what a bunch of CROCK!!!!!... Did i keep seeing him???...Yes.... After awhile longer,we had a "BIG" Dissagreement and he moved to another City not too far away. We spoke a few times after his move,but nothing became of it. We didn't speak os see each other for about 4 years until one day i came across his pic on a different Dating Site. I wasn't sure it was him,but i sent him a message and ask if it was him. He quickly sent one back saying it was him and he was HAPPY to hear from me. Even gave me his number to call him. Of course it was his C#. We've been talking a lot until i heard a radio show speaking on "Men On The Down Low". Of course i thought about this guy being one of them,because of the things he does. He speaks like he's Gay,He waves his hand in the air like i've seen Gay men do. He rolls up his sleeves at the dinner table. He kind of walks like a Gay man....When he gets upset,he talks like a Gay man....I mean he tells me he's in touch with his Feminine Side but i don't know what to think!!!!..... I like him a lot. He has a great Job...All i have to do is ask,and he'll give me whatever i want,but i don't know. I really need "HELP" with this one. We suppose to meet this wek-end since the 4 year split,but i don't know..... Mixed Feelings.....
Sign,Confused....:o(
Name: 55 sugarpiei have a african friend we been date about 3years know,but i haven.t to beg form sex he have two of his friend stay with him how can you tell your man is on the down -low
Name: AprilThis isn't a personal story, but I think it's relvant. I was friends with a guy in high school, and back then, he told me that he uses the same password for everything. Now that we're in college, I wondered if he still used that same password. I used his email address and that password to sign in on his account on a social networking site. Not to my surprise, he had several messages to and from men. There had been suspicion about him in high school, but most of us generally assumed he was straight because he had girlfriends and because as we got older, we didn't really notice his effiminate behavior. But reading his messages, he was having sex with men, and some of the men he was having sex with were in relationships with women. Some even had children. I was grateful to see that he was no longer dating women (at least from what I could tell), but it is kind of sad that he doesn't believe he can trust his friends and family with the truth. Yes, people do judge, but we judge about EVERYTHING not just homosexuality. We would accept him all the same if he came out to us because we love him for who he is and not what he does.
Name: Mr DLI want to let you know that 85% of black men are on the Dl because most men know what they want in bed. Ive date a Dl men who was Marred with 2 kids preached in the pulpit as well. He want to experience and orgasm and once he fell in love with it and to this day he still on the on the dlm not with me but with other people. His wife still dont know and he still preaching.Ladies TO find out if your man is on the DL do the followin
1. The finger test.. If he allow u to sstick ur finger in his hole then run
2.The gay friend test Bring you frind around, if he alows him to get all in his face as well as up on his butt then yes hes gay
Ladies make sure that u keep a hidden cam around if u dont have a friend that u want to doit email me at Curryinc2009@yahoo.com and we go from there.
Name: He Tried to Kill My Spirit...You have no idea the kind of IMPACT you have made on my life by writing this book...no one understands what I am going through, not even my own mother. I have felt SO ALONE through all of this until I read your book...I felt as if I was listening to a friend who knew all and everything that I was going through and I did not have to elaborate, try to explain, or make analogies (like I do with everyone else) because you already understood...
I would like to tell my story though because I feel like it presents another perspective that at times may be overlooked; I was not married to him, but he took my spirit... and if I can help someone else an inkling of how you have helped me...I will.
It was my freshmen year of college and I was ready to meet someone new. My relationship with the Lord was flourishing and I wanted a relationship that would be pleasing to my Father. I first saw Kevin's profile through a social networking site, we had mutual friends. His profile was amazing! He was handsome, educated, family oriented, and most importantly, God oriented. I immediately ran to my friend's dorm and told her how perfect this guy "seemed" and that I had more to know, but I already knew he was "the one". I called up our mutual friend and asked her for the scoop on him before I contacted him. It was all thumbs up. I contacted him, and from then on he and I were hooked. He was funny, my family loved him, I loved him...things were perfect! We began a long distance relationship, because he was at a university at one end of the state, and I was at one on the other end. So, we spent lots of time talking on the phone every chance we got. Although, things seemed great, there were some things that just seemed off about him. He would say things that I would typically only hear women say or discuss. For example, he LOVED Beyonce...which is fine, but most men love her because of her beautiful curves and perfect package, not solely because of her choreographed dance moves and vocals...My best friend on many occasions would just openly say, "Girl, that boy like penis. He act like a girl!" But, I blew her off because I "knew" he was the one. I eventually became so convinced that him and I would be together forever that I was beginning to become consumed by him. I even convinced myself to transfer to the same college, so him and I could be together (Of course I kept telling myself that I wasn't moving because of a man, it was because I'd also be closer to my family, yeah right.) My birthday was during the summer before we would start at the same school, and I was excited about what he had planned for my birthday! I stayed up until midnight of my birthday to wait on his call. I gotta call alright, but it wasn't from Kevin. A man that was friends with Kevin had recently befriended me on the same social networking site Kevina and I met on, and often asked me questions concerning me and Kevin's relationship. I was placed on guard a few times, but really had no reason to be, so I blew it off. It was him. He told me that he needed to tell me something about Kevin. Gay crossed my mind, but I did not entertain it. He prefaced what he would tell me by telling me he was sorry and he thought I should know. Then, there it was...Kevin is gay. He proceeded to tell me various instances Kevin had shared with him, and even their own...I could not breathe.
I was disgusted, hurt, betrayed, and unable to think clearly. I sat on my bed hyperventilating and unable to speak. I guess I had hung up on his lover in the process. I could not stop thinking, Why me? Why him? Is this my surprise birthday present? Is this a joke? Although I was asking myself all these questions, things began to make sense. All the study groups and outings with the fellas were there to throw me the fuck off and I was pissed!
During the day, he wished me happy birthday, but I chose that time to confront him. I asked him who else he'd been seeing. He acted confused and attempted to make me feel silly. After enough of his BS, I asked him female or MALE? Who else have you been with? The phone was silent and I started to make out what seemed like a sob. I was still pissed. I told him that we would talk after I got off work. I went to his house, and he admitted quite a bit to me with his head facing down...even then how he spoke to me was seemed somewhat arrogant.
We tried for four years to make things work, but my mama wasn't having it. She knew about Kevin's DL lifestyle, because she was there to rock me to sleep when I found out. She continued to tell me that I was being foolish and it would happen again and she would be there again to rock me and help me heal. I tried to take heed to her wisdom, but I was madly in love despite his DL lifestyle. He vowed to me that he was no longer involved, but I continued to find explicit emails, text messages, and surfaced rumors. After I found out, our so called relationship plummeted. The attention he gave me was no longer there and I soon realized that I loved this man considerably more than he loved me. I was devastated, heartbroken, and completely torn. I cycled through bouts of depression, in which I overate to self medicate. I gained 60 pounds in the process, lacked all self esteem, and hated him and myself for placing me in this situation that no one understood...hell, I didn't even know why I was choosing to stay. But I did, and he continued to chip away at my spirit and kill the vibrant, active, and intelligent person I once was. I lost myself in him...
He eventually proposed and I said, yes. It was short-lived due to a praying grandmother and mother. God said "she's mine". I broke off the engagement, but still had a desire to be with him. I still loved him dearly. It was almost as if I was completely oblivious to the pain and only saw the happiness and love I had for him and in him. He is now in a relationship with a younger woman who reminds me of my younger self while with him. I believe she really loves him. I have cycled through depression and a few suicidal thoughts uncontrolled because this issue of DL men seems so new to everyone that either you don't know anyone who has been through it, they won't tell you they've been through it, or people just don't understand.
I am now pressed against God's heart and allowing him to heal me. Your book has been my counseling and has helped me realize that I am not alone in this. Again, you have helped save my life. Please know that.
Name: mjoylawThank you Joy Marie for your email and advice about how to document and confirm my ex-husband's status. He did, indeed, seek to ruin me during our divorce and was able to get 50/50 custody of our small children and deprive me from getting much of the voluminous marital assets. I only realized after the divorce what has been going on all along-he's homosexual. There were many, many signs of this in retrospect, but they aren't the signs that a woman thinks they are, there is no effeminate behavior with these guys. I will be looking into the male decoy, that is an excellent idea. I contacted an investigator who suggested that gay guys are the easiest to catch, but I think he was talking about openly gay guys who their boyfriends have followed, I don't know if his agency has significant experience with catching DOWNLOW gay guys. Anyhoo, once I have this information documented, it will fill in the missing link for everyone concerned to understand why I am not just the bitter, unstable, crazy ex scorned but am the more fit parent for the children and can seek and OBTAIN a custody modification. Stay strong my fellow sistas in the struggle!!! P.S. If anyone knows of a good agency that deploys male decoys, please post and let me know. THANKS JOY MARIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless one and all, especially our children
Name: 2lovemysoulI am now separated from my....who is and had been on the down low. As a wife who has experienced this, it is a very difficult. If you are in the Los Angeles/Orange County area in California and would like to be a part of a support group. Please contact me. You don't have to be alone. My email address is 2lovemysoul@gmail.com.
Name: MichelleJoy Marie -
Thank you so much for your kind words, and for allowing me to share my crazy story here. And again - thank you for your book! It was so riveting that I felt sad as I neared the end. I wish Oprah would do a follow-up on the whole down-low subject, only this time from the woman's perspective.
Something that I find really fascinating is that in at least two of the stories in your book, the down-low man was someone the woman had romanticized in her youth (something of a "first love")...just like in my own situation. I'm wondering if these guys have a special feeling for their early loves - the women who can sort of take them back to when (in their thinking) they were still mostly hetero. I wonder if maybe that's why they're more motivated to at least try to maintain those relationships.
And I wonder if the way that we romanticize the guys we know when we're young also makes us more prone to overlook our good common sense and our gut feelings.
I know that in my own case, I really really wanted to see "Drew" as my Prince Charming, because that's how my 16-year-old mind had seen him. I was willing to overlook so much garbage to believe in that construct...much more garbage than I'd ever put up with from someone else.
I dunno...just some thoughts. It's still amazing to me to have found your book and to have been able to read other ladies' stories that remind me so much of what I went through (even though I didn't realize what I was going through at the time).
Blessings!
Michelle
ShellBelleNonelle@yahoo.com
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