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Name: I Just Need RestI don't know where to start... I awake daily hoping that this will be the day that I see something concrete that lets me know without a shadow of doubt that my husband is on the DL. He has a best friend who is extremely whorish, is dating a woman who is extremely butch, whom others have said appears to be "gay", who makes me feel uncomfortable everytime I am around him, who does not like me and had even asked my husband when we were dating "why does she call you so much?", who can call him at 1 am and say that his tire is flat or that he ran out of gas, and my husband will actually get out of bed and go help him (if it were me stranded, i doubt very seriously that he would even answer the phone). Which leads me to mention how he treats me. Sometimes I feel he is bi-polar. He can be extremely nice and caring, not intimate (we do not kiss or hug, we did early in the relationship-and I mean the first two months- but not anymore,we had tons of sex- not currently, now my body tenses up when he tries to have sex with me, it's like it's sending me a warning). He can be extremely mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. He often makes negative comments about my body, and I am an extremely physically attractive woman(not trying to be conceited-because my self esteem has definitely been shot since I have been in this relationship). He is very flirtatious with women-a few in particular, and seems to try and make me feel that I must compete with them. He goes on weekend trips with his best friend at least twice a year, and, i am not allowed to go. He doesn't regularly answer the phone when i call. I have caught him staring at his anal hole for at least 5 minutes-he was watching a video of me and him having sex, only he was just watching his anal hole, he actually paused the video, so his anal hole was the only thing that was on the screen. He has had chlamydia and I have had recurring bacterial infections-my obgyn says he found anal bacteria in my vagina... I know how to wipe properly... We do not have an emotional attachment, I feel like there is a wall up between us. Most people who know us, say we seem more like brother and sister than lovers. Finally, he is homophobic, and even got into an argument with me about whether a "top" is less gay than a "bottom"- he started the argument and felt that the "top" was more masculine. I could go on and on, but i am sure there is a character limit on here! Bottom line, I have asked him if he has ever had sex with a man, he said "no" and kinda went into some sort of explanation about why it could appear that way-he said a former lover told him that she thought he was gay. Anything that I have found suspicious, he has an explanation for... I want concrete proof... not a bunch of circumstantial stuff... My hair is falling out, I am depressed. I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce, unless I have proof of adultery... (he said he got chlamydia from me because i had a bacterial infection-even though my obgyn says that this is not possible) If I leave, this will be his 2nd divorce. He was repeatedly unfaithful to his first wife....I Just Need Rest!
Name: Joy MarieTo: So Confused
Listen to your intuition. The lack of sex is one of the signs we talk about in our book. You really need to read the book so that you can make a decision based on education in this subject matter, other women's life experiences and most of all, your own intuition. Rarely do down-low men admit they are gay. You may have to make this decision all on your own. Be courageous. You are worth it.
Peace and Love,
I've been married for 1.5yrs and been with my husband for 7, we hardly have sex 2x since we got married...some of it had to do with me feeling uncomfortable with myself but recently it has been him...he says that I've put on a lot of weight which I have but I'm still a size m.
The main issue that I have with my husband is that when we are out he glances at other men, when he's had a few drinks I notice it more, it makes me feel very uncomfortable...
A few yrs ago we went out with a few friends to a club and my husband was very drunk and this guy kept trying to hit on him and my husband ignored him...it still plays on my mind.
A month ago we went to a friends wedding and the MC was very handsome and well dressed and my husband kept looking at him and at the end of the night when we were walking out shook the guys hand and send well done.
I've asked him if was gay and told him when he looks @ other guys it makes me feel uncomfortable...he said he's not gay...he told me he looks at guys sometimes just like women look at other women to see what their wearing etc...
I'm so confused...
Name: Caught himI was dating this guy that I was so into. He was a rough neck but very handsome, in and out of the penitentiary and I just absolutely adored him. He was kind to me just everything I like. One night on a hot night everyone in the neighborhood is out and I am sitting on the roof of the garage where I live, next to it is a creek that has a path that leads to another street when you walk through it. Our apartment building had some issues with the electricity and we were waiting on the P.G.E person to come. I say all of this because I believe in details, I noticed a high pitched looking female in our neighborhood. I had never seen this person before and trust me when I say I know/knew everyone in the neighborhood. This person starts bothering the P.G.E person which I politely informed them to back up. My dude is out there and I can't wait to be with him. Then the oddest thing happened as he and his partna were standing in the creek the tranny (now I realize exactly what it is) approached my dude unbeknowgst to them I'm intently listening to the conversation. It was then that the tranny or whatever said to my dude "don't I sukk your d*&% good?" He replied "yes" and is looking nervously around and putting his finger up to his mouth to sshhh him. The convo pretty much was brief but that is all I needed to hear. My friend comes out and looks at me cause all the color was gone, I told her. She got it confirmed it was a known fact amongst the circle of dudes but I didnt know. After that revelation he was deleted. I took a HIV test scared as hell. After that I really dont trust dudes. Cause you never know.
Name: Joy MarieTo Where Do I Start
I would love to speak with you by phone. I want you to send us an e-mail and send me a number or I will give you mine. I think I can bring you more comfort that way. Until then, you are in my prayers.
Peace and Love
Name: Where Do I Start...Thank you Joy Marie. You are right. Reading your words brought tears to my eyes because I am scared, I do feel like this is all my fault, and I know I will never "catch him" which is the only way to know for certain. I know that if it were true he would never admit it - never.
I will get your book and take your advice about finding someone to confide in. He is so perfect that I know my family will never believe me. My biggest fear is that I am totally wrong and that I will be ruining the life of my children and a good man. I am praying that God reveals truth to me and I know that I will make it through this.
Thank you and all who have had the courage to post about this. It is comforting to see that I am not alone.
Name: Joy MarieTo Anne
Wow!!! What you have said here will help so many women. You have described each and every sign we give in our book. Bless you for being so very candid. In reading your post, what I feel is that you will conquer this betrayal in a mighty way. You have passed beyond the denial and have come into believing in YOU again. You go girl. What a woman.
Name: Joy MarieTo "Where Do I Start"
Your intuition has already told you what is most likely the truth, even though you may never see it with your own eyes. Even though things are better, they are still not quite right are they? You still have a nagging gut feeling that he is sleeping with men...am I right? If a person never admits their wrongdoing, what would make them change it? We are sorry you are facing this dilemna. It is so unfair. When reading your story, I re-live so much of my own life and the tricks, deceipt, and reckless behavior of my own spouse. Yes, he made me feel crazy too. Whatever man happened to be his target or love interest, became his topic of conversation and it was always him telling me how unfaithful that man was to his wife. This was to make me think the man couldn't possibly be gay. Down-low men will use whatever works. Well, if you have not read our book, please get it because we arm you with information and advice that will give you the strength, courage and self-respect to do what is best for you. You can never change anyone else. You can only change YOU!. I know you are afraid. Be wise and make good decisions. Seek the counseling of someone that you trust so they can help you. Things will become overwhelming. Please, do not retaliate in any way. You could be harmed if you do. Decide what YOU want your future to be and start setting goals. I know that people reading this post want me to give you good news and tell you that everything will be alright. But, I cannot do that. Why? Because I don't know if it will or not. All I can do is try to validate your feelings and let you know that you will make it through this. Listen to your intuition.
Name: AnneI am currently still married (19+ yrs.) to my gay married husband. He does not know that I have actually suspected for years, done years of research on gay married men, been to therapists, and have been extremely observant; watching for clues. I have even confronted him on the possibility of his being a latent homosexual at 52, and off and on for about the last 6 years, but of course he tries to throw me off track and denies it. I am still trying to "catch him" and need "proof" for myself; even though my feminine instinct knows its true. It is all coming to a head now though, because I believe that he can no longer suppress it. He really started to change and become more obvious to me just a few months ago. He is an extremely handsome man, and even alot of women (co-workers) have been interested in him. In fact, I thought he was having an ongoing emotional affair with one of the women. But he is not. Here have been the recent obvious signs: working out alot more; obsessed with his physique; has always dressed to kill-but is dressing more preppy; recently bought new underwear, shirts, shoes; takes about 2 hrs. to get dressed-looks like a professional business man model; fanatical about his hair being perfect-special hair care products; recently become very secretive with his cell phone (won't answer it or read his emails/texts in front of me); will leave the room or make excuses to "go to the bathroom" after phone alert goes off; secretive on the computer upstairs for hours; deletes the history/temporary internet files on the computer; mysteriously leaves for anywhere from 30 mins. to an hour/couple of hours to run to the store; doesn't answer cell phone when I call-says it was on silent or had a bad signal; VERY EMOTIONALLY DETACHED AND DISTRACTED; VERY SECRETIVE WITH CELL PHONE/COMPUTER; always washing his car (to get rid of evidence/make a good impression); NEVER has initiated sex in our 19 year marriage; NEVER SEEMS TO BE INTERESTED IN SEX OR SEEMS TO HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX DRIVE (doesn't bother him to go without sex for long periods of time); prefers for me to "ask" for sex-but initially told me I was a sex maniac; has never in our 19 year marriage taken a bath/shower/skinny-dip with me; will only have sex in the missionary position (lasts about 20-30 minutes and the same way every time); HAS NEVER DONE ORAL SEX ON ME; doesn't want me to do it him, is disgusted and turned off to a woman's genitalia (won't touch it, smell it, lick it, says it's gross because of the fluids); doesn't like for me to suggest other positions and other things to spice it up (has said "that's gay); EXTREMELY HOMOPHOBIC; and sits down to urinate (uses the stall in the men's public restroom); shaves most of his legs (says it's because he had to tape his ankles during high school football; said he had never had "sex" with a woman before he met me (age 31). I am sensing that my husband wants out of the marriage because he said he felt "trapped", "was tired", "doesn't know how much longer he can continue to tread water; yet he wants to remain married to prove to the world that he is straight. Another major thing that has been happening through out the marriage ( a few times a year) is that he throws up alot and has diarrhea when he gets home for being gone for a while. It has been worrying me, because I hope he is not engaging in unprotected sex. I am no longer having sex with him, as a protection to myself, even though we haven't really ever had a "normal and healthy sex life". I pray that he will be true to himself and to me, so that we can just both move on and be happy with whatever our desires/needs might be. I am tired of the disception, secrets, depression, and mainly feeling like it's my fault. I believe the "truth will set us free"! I want to be free to love a man wholeheartedly;physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Thank you for reading my post! I pray for women in the world who have done nothing to deserve this "closeted life" to protect our husbands and our children, the traditional marriage/family units, and to rebuild our self-esteem and self-confidence again. Good Luck to all of you!
Name: Where Do I Start...I met my husband through my sister's husband when they were getting married. He was my soon to be brother-in-law's best friend. When we met he lived in another town so he would drive to see me every weekend. I would not discribe him as overly attractive, I like to think I saw the inner beauty. This is what makes this so hard and why I am so confused now...
We have been married for about 8 years and we dated for 2 years prior - long distance. From the start I had this little voice inside telling me something was not right. He is not feminie just not super macho. He is kind, helpful (does dishes, mopping, cleaning, you name it!) loving and respectful. Sometimes I feel like he is the femail and I am the man in the relationship since I am more aggressive. While we were dating he made all the first moves but he was awkward since I was only the 2nd girl he had been with. He was my first. After we were married I had to come on to him. When I mentioned it to him he said that I am too aggressive and that I want to do "it" too often. At first it was 3 to 4 times a week then 2 times a week and about two years ago it was maybe 1 per week. (This changed after we had a huge agrument and I confronted him with my concerns - will get to that later.)
On our wedding day when the pastor said that he though I was his best friend, my brother-in-law became so upset that he refused to go to the party. By the time my sister got him to agree to go, she had already changed out of her dress!
Aside from all of this, while we were dating his "friend" / my borther-in-law would make comments like "i had him first". Unlike your typical man, he would not defend himself or get mad about it. Later, after we were married my borther-in-law came to our city to work for a couple of days since his compnany did not have any work for him at home. I thought it was odd that he wanted to stay with us instead of the hotel the company provided, then my husband insisted on leaving work early to let him in the house after work. I said, why don't you just leave him a key? But my husband said that would be rude. When I got home early, I found them in the garage staring at a new tool but I felt like something was wrong. that night my husband did not want to make love and even got mad about it saying he might hear - our house was huge and he was staying on the other end.
My husband entertained the idea of accepting a job that would take him out of the state for a few months. I was told by my sister and family (they thought it was haha funny) that he had said he would quit his job and do out of state with my husband.
Then when we moved back to the town where my folks and he lived, we had to move to a house next door to them. He was always at our house, EVERYDAY when I got home. The day when my son (3 at the time) told me that his uncle was "helping his daddy in my room and he was mad cause he could not go in" was the day I decided to put a tape recorder in the house. I heard some loud sounds but no voices or heavy breathing. The toilet did flush though way too many times. That was the day he had asked me to pick up our son after work because he needed to get home early to cut the yard... the recording was useless, should have video taped, and when I confronted my husband about everything he said I was crazy. I really do feel crazy.
A lot has changed since then. Before this happened he never even wanted to perform oral sex on me but loved for me to do it to him. Also, he no longer hangs out 24/7 with my brother-in-law. We make love about 2- 3 times per week and everything seems normal again. I have checked his phone records and never found any issues. Never found any porn on the computer.
I think his parents never really cared for this friend and my husbands says they were just friends because he felt bad for him. His friend is also very homophobic. My husband even told me that once, my brother-in-law and his brother came over to his place to visit and that he and my brother-in-law had gone in to his room and shut the door to have a private conversation about girl trouble - this apparently caused my B-in-law's brother to say hey, are you gay?
I don't really have any proof and feel like all of these events that I keep running through my head are just me seeing what I want to see. He is such a wonderful partner and dad. All of my family loves him and my parents think I am crazy for having doubts.
My instinct is that he is not gay but that he failed to act when I would mention the things that made me uncomfortable. Now, I am living with this. Anyone care to take a side????