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Name: am i unstable as told?Wow! Just the other night after history repeated itself 3 times, I was beginning to feel at my lowest. I havents slept in 48 hours or eaten or drank anything. I have never heard or even know a book about DL exist or even what DL is. I yahoo searched for what I was feeling and came across your book. I read an excerpt and immediately felt my chest loosen up and felt my heartbeat slow down slowly to a good pace, all because I believed I found the answer to what I have been seeking. I went into Barnes and Nobles and they ran out so they ordered the book for me and I am awaiting 5 days as they told me it will arrive. In the mean while, I am reading what the ladies all went through on the comment section, I printed out all 17 pages of it and I am reading it as my support and as my life saver. Just reading what the readers shared is enough for me right now and I am just cant imagine what I will learn once I get my book. I am down to page 15 and I am dreading it for once I finish page 17, I am having this dreaded feeling like I lost a friend who understands me and keeping me sane. So today while I wait for my book to arrive, instead of reading I want to contribute my story and maybe perphaps I can help/give comfort other lost and confused souls just as myself in one way or another..
I fell in love at 15 yrs old with my ex , I had been with the same man for 15 yrs. We have 3 kids together. We were young and had a lot to learn. We went through the ups and downs, more downs and than ups. We were both so young and did not know better. I matured and he did not, he played and played until he got someone pregnant and I left him. after I left him, I cared and nutured myself and my soul. I was ready to move on after about 18 month, that is when I met (lets call him Chris), he was 34 yrs old. We started out as friends and we were pretty comfy confiding in each other. I told him I had a tranvestite uncle etc etc. He was broke up with his GF at the time and was trying to recover. We were there for each other. one night, we drank quite a bit and he came out and told me that he is gay. I said “what? your are kidding me right?’ he said nothing. Then I said, do anyone know of this? his reponse was “only my youngest brother(which happened to be an open gay). I asked him did you ever been with a guy? he said no, but he kissed on at 15 yrs old. we left it at that and the next day he invited me to lunch and I met up with him and he told me he was just kidding with me only. we left it at that.
During that time we were together, I did not care to be with him. he was just someone nice to be around. I was not attracted to him for he was short, stubby and not a looker at all. I am not concieted but I am told many many times, I am gorgeous. He did not meet any of my expectation just the fact that I was stunned that he had the balls to ask me out and I admired. I figure I can use a friend. during the early year we were together, he would act weird. I am not dumb but I choose to just play dumb. I noticed he hangs out with other women and when I stay over, the next day, he would painstakingly try to get rid of all evidence that I was there at all. I noticed he would be paranoid all the time when we go out. when he want to see me and ask me out, he would always always bring his roommate or his so call BFF- (I will tell you what I observe later). We hardly go anywehre alone. I would say 1 out of 10 times we will go by ourselves otherwise his BFF will be there. His BFF is straight. when he tell me he will cook dinner for me, he will ask if its ok he invite his bff. I always say yes. when I cook for him, he will ask if he can invite his BFF over, and I always say yes, at least in the beginning. He can be the sweetest and most attentive person then in a flash he will act as if he resent having me there. this happened many many times. In the beginning, we would kiss and make out but towards the end it was all just do and finish the business and that was it. there was no emotiional connection what so ever. All he talked about was his Ex gf and what a b she was , not a good person, etc etc etc.. I figured he is still not over her, but no matter to me cuase I do not love him or want to be with him.
After 1 yr, I got transferd job and had to move out of state, this is when I said good bye to him I told him that I have 3 kids and I am moving for a new job and that I appreciated his friendship and that I hope he will find happiness and everything he seeks. That was when he knew he was losing me, he started to get closer to me and started to do nice things for me and it guess being away from home and away from my family and friends, I bonded with him and fell for him. I returned r after about 15 months and we got together. this is when I feel like I can actually settle for him so I started to tell him that I don’t want his BFF around when we go on dates. He is still the same, he has good days and bad days, but I never felt connected to him. there was no intimacy but just very good companionship there only. he gave in to what I like and wished soemwhat. I ended up moving in with him after I met him for 3 yrs. this is when all my feelings of feeling belittled, scared, confusions, shame, betrayal, hurt, pain, heartache, was told I am crzzy and unstable, ……etc etc started. I lost almost all of my self esteem and confidence. Im sad and depressed everyday.
He will have mood swings and I was at a point where I thougth he is bi-polar. He chsed me away 2 times and as I am wrtiing this, this is the 3rd time. the 2 times he chased me away, each time after he gone out drink heavily with his BFF, he would tell me he can’t be with me cuase of my kdis and he cannot accept them. I packed and moved and went through hell only to have him call me and make up within the next day to say he is sorry, he was never loved by no one(he was abused emotionally by his father, put down etc etc), he suffers frm anxiety and depression that he needs me and can’t do wo me etc etc. I would soften, suck up my dignity and pride and go back to him. he would be the sweetest guy ever. Then before you know it, he is back to his old self again. bi-polar with his ever changing moods and he goes into seclusion sometimes. He is very verbal and negative all the time, I would threaten to leave him on several occassions and then he would plead and tell me that he wants me and only me and that he needs me and he has accepted me completely, kids and all. etc etc. he started to take me to his family and I have since met all his family and most friends. He is still selective of certain other friends though if I get to meet them or not.
As I am writing this, this is the 3rd time he chasing me out. I tld him I refused to go if he will only call me within 1 weeks time. I told him I want closure to all of this and I want to talk about everything befor I go. he goes on and on telling me that he can’t accept my kids and he wants to be alone and he is depressed etc etc. I am looking for a place to back me up and I am so enlightened right now after I read what others have shared with me. I felt so not alone and so relieved right now. i will read Joy Marie’s book and I will go from there.. so as of now, I have done nothing…. We are to move into our new house next month that we bought, BTW. I called him this morning and ask if we can talk. he was nice and told me that he has a lot going on right now with finances and etc and he was just having a bad week. he did not say sorry or that he want me to stay but he has stopped telling me to leave.. so I guess now he wants me to stay?? That is to be decided by me…. I did asked if he was gay? He laughed and laugh and just reapeat my questions then he repeatedly said no.no. no. no.
I would like to share my suspicions and how his charactistics are and I hope I can help out someone as everyone has hleped me—
He puts women down. he is always focused on flaws- fat arms, fat thighs, nothing to him is perfect.
He told me he was a late bloomer and did not date til he was almost 30. He has 2 gf s and none was serious.
Mood swings, bipolar, someitmes I felt he resents me for being there, whether it be at the clubs, bars, home alone, or out eat out.
He is very secretive of me to certain crowds of his(I justified it by the fact that I have 3 kids and he is trying to accept it and cannot break the news to his friends cuase they all do not have baggages like me and I was going to let him take time and learn to be comfy )
He would brag and practically be glowing to me to me aobut(all gay guys, his bro’s friends)i his days if he gets picked up by another guy, another tickled him and so he tackled and tickle the other guy down, the guys trying to dunk him at an all gay bbq. (its like how when we have a crush on a guy and that guy came close to us, so we like to bask and brag to our gfs, just like that)
I took him to meet my tranvestite auntie and her friend and they both ask me if he is bi?? We were in a gay club at sf to meet my auntie, it was underwear nights and everyone was allowed to wear underwear if they liked.all the bartenders were in their underwears. He was taking pix of the bartenders!! Omg!!
His BFF is always around. I can honestly tell you that his BFF is straight. but I have inklings that he has a crush on his BFF. He dn’t want a pix of me on his cell but he browse thru his BFF’s phone and he wants his BFF to send him pix of his BFF in a halloween costome. He was telling his bff to send him this copy and this copy and he is not even in the pix. And he never ask for my pix. He always is angry at his BFF and always commetn on things his BFF doing is wrong but he still hangs out with his BFF. I think he is jealouse that he has crush on BFF and is frustrated watching BFF take girls out etc etc. tlaek to girls etc etc.
He is distant and emtionally detached. People who do not know us, thinks we are just friends/buddies.
Never kiss me no more
Sex is great but no connection and I feel empty afterwards- all the time
Nothin I ever do I right. I make soup and I get compliments and he would ask me after he done eating, “when are you going to perfect this soup?”
I feel like he priortize his friends more than me.
He never wants to do anything alone with me, except to stay in and watch movie, everytime we go out, he would have to call his nieces and nephews and his gay bro and gay bro’s friends to go out. or yet even better, his BFF
He takes 2 hours to get ready. He car tremendously about his appearnces and iron out each wrinkle and would criticize me and my apperances.
He is almost 40, never been married or have kids or been in a seriuos relationship
When he wants me out and chases me out, he will tell me the same things” I cant’ accept your kdis, I am meant to be alone, I am meant to be in a bad life, I am depressed, I want to be alone)
Sometimes when BFF comes over to drink and passed out on the couch, he did nto even bother to come upstairs to bed, he crashed on the couch as well. (so far its happen 3 times)
I found out when I was away out of state he and BFF were chasing the same girls they meet at the clubs. 3 I found out for sure. he would end up with the girls cuase he is the one that has charms, good job, own his own place, nice high end car, and has charisma. BFF is a lowlife, divorce father of one with an unstable job. he wold always go after the girls BFF liked or picked out. Now if figure it was his way to set sexual satisfaction from BFF since BFF is straight so he go after the girls BFF likes and try to get.
My instincts always tell me he is bi or gay and he uses me to cover up.
Even when I am with him, he still contacts his ex. Late late at night and in secret only. when confronted I asked what are they up to? he always say he needs and friend. I don’t’ knw but I think his ex was in my shoes and she never found closure and she is still in the dark and is confused?? Cause she still contacts him and he still contacts her late late at night usually when they go club and are drunk. Maybe she is still trying grasp and find closure? Maybe he talks to her to convince her he is straight and he has me/ so she will not not go around and tell people bout him and his ways??
He is super comfy aournd gays, even if he is the only straight guy there, his explaination is cuase his bro is gay and he is used to it.
I found out when his bro came out of the closet at age 21, the news devasted the whole family and the bro ended up running away from home. the fmaily is now ok and nto come to terms but they are ok. is he afraid it will devestate them more if he comes out?
His profession is mostly macho machistic males only. he prob afraid of being cast off?
I feel like I am the only one that is keeping this relationship going. Wen I leave, he will beg and promise me everything but when things are normal, the will be back to his old self again.
He is alwys counting other peoples blessing and watering other peoples lawn. That is why the grass is always greener on the other side. I am educated, smart, intelligent, beautiful woman with a good job and good assets, with a well off life. but he never counts his blessings. Or show he appreciates me.
Been with him for almost 4 yrs now, but I stll have not met all his friends. He said he has lots and lots of friends but I think I only met aobut 10 of them.
I snuck at peek at his journal once and I saw him talk aobut how miserable his life is and I saw him aplogize in there to his ex gf(4 of them) how he hurt them. one entry he wrote that he did this to himself and he is so sorry.
I can go on and on and on. but yes, this is all I can think of right now. it feels good to let out 4 yrs of fruatration and anger and pain and disappointmetn and upset. I feel lighter now and I can breath better now. my problems is not fix and I know there will be more dark days even months ahead, but I know I am not alone and with this, I will promise myself I will make it ok and I will find the love and happiness I truly deserve.
Name: MemmoI am a 21 year old women i been married for 3 years with my husband have a 2 year old son and 1 on the way But i been susspecting my husband is a closet case why? becuase of little clues when i 1st meet him he told me he had sex with a guy and let him give him oral sex when he was locked up now he just stared dning it he likes to play ps3 but he says alot of gay comments to other man example would you like me to wet my ass or i would kick you door down and make you suck my bleep is really getting out of controle plus he use to want me to put my fingers up his butt and wants me to eat his butt he stop when i aproched him if he gay and oh yhea he only wants anal sex from me we dont have sex anymore so when i ask him he deney everything and say u just not actractive anymore so why wont he give me a divorce when i ask for it he dose his eyebrows and where more colonge then i where perfume i dont know what to do i love him but its really getting out of line
Name: BethI just found out 2 days ago that my ex-husband that I was married to for 22 years is gay. He confessed to me and told his family because he said he could no longer live like this. We married when we were 21, and at the time I had no indication that he may have been interested in men. Fast forward 20 years, I accidently find gay porn on our computer, and when I confront him he denies, tells me I am crazy. The intimacy was never what it should have been between us, we went to therapy and he just continued to lie to everyone. When I finally decided to end the marriage, it was because I was no longer in love with him, and he chose to conveniently blame and bad mouth me, to the point where I lost friends and family because of it. I went through 5 years of guilt and despair because he made me think that I broke his heart. I went on to remarry, have children and he still continued to lie. He is looking for forgiveness but I am so angry that I do not have it in me right now. Now I find out he knew he was gay from around the time he was 10 years old. I never thought I would be on a website saying these words. I don't have a clue how to get past this, forgive him and move on at this point.
Name: Joy MarieTo: Suffocating
Never give up hope for your life. From what you say, there could be any number of problems. I certainly cannot tell by what you say here. Follow your own intuition, but while you are figuring it all out.....remember that you are important too. Everything changes in life and you have to find a way to believe that you can make your life better...because you can. Take back your own power and keep it moving forward no matter how your marriage turns out. The abuse is really enough to make someone miserable enough to opt out. Life is just too short. Love should not treat you that way.
Name: suffocatingI am a muslim women marriend to a muslim man, this is both our second marridage and we both have 1 child each from perviouse marridage. Have been married 2 years.beofre i married him we both understood that we wanted at least one child. he works night s, will not change to days although very easily can.He never intiates sex, it is always me, he makes esxueses, am tired, and no sex fri and sat says works late so tired. emotianl and mental abusive i get form him. I am so tired , cant speak to anyone ,i do not want to go through second divorce ,if it was not for my child i would finish myself. please help, is he guy?
Name: Still in shockI recently went on to my boyfriend's emails and found an online dating link showing his latest matches - they were all men. His first reaction when he saw me looking at the email was suprise and then quickly he told me to close it and not to read his personal mail ever again. When I talked to him about the next day, he denied being gay or bisexual and told me that nobody would believe me if I told them about it. We have sex regularly, but he never shows any affection towards me when we're not having sex. He doesn't hold me, kiss me or cuddle with me. I am confused. Please help.
Name: Joy MarieHurting and Confused
Please don't fool yourself like that. How can a man who is not a woman look better than a woman who is? See it is all in our own perception. How we see things. I hope you will build up your self esteem and believe in your own beauty once again. Hollywood does not dictate what is beautiful unless we let them. I refuse to let them. I am beautiful and no one need bother to argue with me on that point, because I will still believe that I am and I believe other women are too.
Peace and Love
Name: hurting and confusedwell........ what i want to know is it the same if your other half has dealt with transexual women? all i know is i will never be able to look as good as half of them do. they make real women look ugly, or that is how im feeling. i dont know what to do
Name: It just started to hit meI felt it was important that I leave a message too. I have not yet read the book but I intend to purchase it. Yesterday I sat at work and read all 17 pages of comments trying to find my story in these tales of heartache............I found pieces that were similar but there are some things I experienced that were different.
I was married for 6 years(white man not that it matters )and I just finalized a divorce one month ago. We have a 5 year old daughter who I have sole custody of. My exhusband was a stay at home dad, at times, and a wonderful father. He was verbally, emotionally, and at the end physically abusive to me. He drank a lot and could never hold down a job for very long. I attributed it to his terrible childhood and I thought that with enough therapy and love that I could show him the man he could truly be. He was very attracted to me all the time always complimentary and never was disrespectful about me gaining 30 pounds after the birth of our daughter, he always told me how beautiful I was and we had an amazing sex life. There was nothing out of the ordinary in our sex life at all. The only thing that I can see now is that I kept thinking he was bipolar and I thought that he had some kind of mood disorder. Also in the beginning of dating he would sometimes freak out when I was with him at a night club or bar and tell me to go home and that I was bothering him. Now I know that it was because he wanted to hook up with a man or TV, TG. I found out all of this by searching the history of our computer and his cell phone. These stories helped me to realize that I did make the right decision by divorcing him immediately and not thinking I could fix him. He also threatened suicide and told me he never acted on anything just had dating site postings. He like so many of the others on this site immediately started dating a bunch of women and even showed up to our first court hearing with a hickey from his new girlfriend. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life, and as of the past couple days I have fallen into a deep depression trying to find a way to forgive and make sure my daughter isn't damaged by his behavior. Does anyone know of a support group to talk about our children of father's living these kinds of lives. That is really my main mission. Thank you so much for sharing all your stories. I know that I am not alone.