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Name: MarieTo Ann,
There are so many red flags in the behavior of this man that by all means, you should step back, be truthful with yourself and reassess this situation. Why don't you deserve a partner that only wants you and you alone? Why allow ANY man to disrespect you this way by blatantly seeking other forms of sexual pleasure that are not YOU. You deserve better. From what you have written here, he most likely is very gay and has already been with men, I would assume, because of his age. Don't waste your life with someone that wants other than you, be they male or female. Please cease unprotected sex with him. Don't fret over this relationship. A few years is not wasted, but 30 years is. That is what I went through. 30 years of being married to a man that was sleeping with men behind my back. Why take that chance, Ann? You deserve so much better. Even being alone is better than being emotionally abused and rejected intimately. Lack of intimacy is one of the signs of a down-low man. He can't be intimate with you because he does not desire you. Run, Ann.
Peace and Love
How are you? This may sound strange but hear me out first please.
I had started dating this man about 3 yrs ago. We dated 3 months
and then I moved in with him. I assumed he was interested in me as
much as I him. Anyways, before I moved in he did not mind having a
normal sex life. Then when I moved in he said ( We need to do things
right...no intercourse, go to church, yada yada )
So, that's how things began..then I started noticing him being on porn
websites , Emailing Ex girlfriends, being on affair websites, and I also
found some Gay web history. So I confronted him and said ( Hey,
you want to do things right so why are you doing all this?) He laughed
and said he did not look anything like that up, yet he looks ups gay articles all the time.
So I said stop this if you want to move forward
in this relationship. He has continued with the emailing of ex-girlfriends
up till a few months ago. Anyways I've just noticed allot of strange things
and think he's Gay or Bi and that's why he does not want to commit and
makes excuses for his behavior. He wants to do marriage counsel ling for the third time since I've been here. I'm putting some things I consider
strange at the bottom. Would you please email me back. I'd like
your opinion. Thanks allot.
1. He does not want to have normal sex.(Most straight guys do after 3 yrs)
2. Does not like to french kiss.
3. Never had a relationship last more than 3 months since his divorce in his 30's.
He is 62 now.
4. Makes excuses not to marry. Baggage, kids, dogs, etc...
5. Does not say intimate things.
6. Will say ( look at that guys chest ) when we're watching a movie.
7. Likes Whitney Houston music
8. Can't seem to sleep good. Up allot at night.
9. Has a flower hanging over his fireplace
10. Very feminine
11. Very concerned with his weight. Dyes his hair.
12. Say's ( I have to go to the powder room, or the tree is Pretty )
13. likes chick flicks, ( Steel Magnolias ) Likes ( Whitney Houston).
And many, many more....
Name: Eyes wide openI am very greatful for your book. I have been married for 40 yrs and this year my husband diecided to really go all out with the dl. The kids are grown and gone from home. I told him that I want a divorce and he wants to know why after all these years? He has used me as his covergirl and when I meet the women from his job, they tell me how he does not fool around. He will tell them he's married. Now he wants me to meet the men he works with and has even put them on the phone to prove that he has a wife. He is 60 yrs old and my kids think that he will kill himself if I move out. I am scared because he is very controling, but I feel I this man has taken my life from me. Everyone says to me that I have the perfect marriage and they just don't know. I have no shared with my family why I'm leaving because I don't want them to hate him . I just want to be away from this life of lies.
Name: Marie of Joy MarieStill Blessed,
Although life is throwing me granades right now, I have been so busy throwing them back that I have not written anyone personally on the site for a few weeks, but when I read yours story, I had to show up and stand beside you to let others know that God reveals things to us in our dreams. He did it with me too. So folks should truly consider it.
During our 27th year of marriage, I had a dream that I was on a bus with my sister. (Hadnt been on a bus in 40 years). It was beautiful sunny day and we were sitting on the back seat of the bus. Noone else on the bus. Suddenly, I looked outside and saw my husband and another male walking down the street in dresses. My husband had on the same color dress that he wore as a uniform at his job. He had on a wig that was sitting sideways on his head. Red lipstick was smeared on his lips and he had a big grin on his face as he walked unsteadily with hairy legs pushed into high black pumps. The other male looked sad as if he were embarrassed. When I took it all in, I gasped, saying nothing because I did not want my sister to see what I saw because the other person was dear to her. I just held my breath and slowly got off the bus alone and walked to this little wooden shack that I had seen them come out of. When I opened the door, the stench of sex hit me in the face. A mattress was on the floor with an army blanket on it and semen stains were all over it. There was another part of the dream that would take too long to explain, but ......
Still, even after God showed me the entire picture in this dream, I still didn't get what this dream depicted until after I found out a few years later that he was on the downlow... gay.
Just thought I would share, back you up, and give help to others that may be dealing with some aspect of this.
God Bless You and thank you for your story.
Peace and Love,
Name: still blessedMy story is quite funny and heart breaking.
I'm a big believer of God speaking to people in their dreams. Before I caught my husband with evidence via text/craigslist postings on men seeking men on the history of his computer. I had suspected for years that he was a little feminine to say the least but I choose to ignore that sign "big mistake". Long story short, apparently someone took my husbands.picture off of his at the time, my space picture and created an.account on a website called "Adam 4 Adam"...so he stats. Now this was his reason for texting men and "pretending to be gay" he said his friend of 15 years (which happens to be gay) is helping me speak the way he was to make it real and find the "impersonator". mind you he was flirting with a friend of ours well via text. I went to a pastor at a local church for counciling before confronting him and took my now 2 year old son to his grandma. I needed to be calmed because I wanted to attack him, God needed to be in my heart and mind before speaking to him. Anyway we moved passed out, he denied it I gave him.the benefit of the doubt, prayed on it and has left it up to God ever since.
Just 4 days ago I had a dream of my husband having sex with men. Then the same dream of him being on the dl happened the next day. So I started to snoop and found a simple text.between.him and a mutual friend but he was texting him.and.flirting to see.if he would bit back, the poor kid.didn't get it or never.responded back. What disturbed me was his womanly ways of texting. So I went ahead and.started digging deeper, with his sent emails, trash and I found nothing! but this time I wasnt going to stop searching for evidence that the story he told was a half lie, so today 5/16/12 @ 3:14 am...I found it all and what's funny is, it was in the same place I looked before the trash in his email. ALL the.evidence.I need. he now searches.for men near Ontario CA where live, sends his Pics, writes to them to hook up, they send him pics of their *icks, he responds if he Is down, and now has gone as bold as searching for men in our apartment that have posted their apartment name and how their looking for someone. he has been telling them i'm at work to come over and apparently my husband only like to give oral. No other text or email suggest otherwise. But who knows...?
This is the craziest truth that I can hardly swallow but yet funny God told me in my dreams that I would have a son and that I was prego. He also allowed me to see my worries in my dreams in regard to my husband twice.now! This time around I can't allow the truth to be held from me, either way I want out of this marriage. Im 26, he is 32 and now i'm prego; and i'm not having it, I just can't go through the deception and be happy to be with child. I still have my youth and I have so much I want to accomplish with or without him. I can't see myself ever trusting him let alone being physical ever again. Its now 7am and he.will be up soon and so will my son. I will.drive.him to his grandma and have a talk when I return. I'm scared, confused and hurt. But I hope after today I will only live for my son and I.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for listening
Name: MelanieOn a recent trip my high school sweet heart decided to contact me to see if we could catch up on old times. We had been friends just on the social network but nothing else. On our first meeting he did seem very nervous but what I found strange was that for an entire hour he only spoke of his past modeling experiences and his dealings with gay man and how abundant they were in the industry. I left that night confused and was unsure if he was gay since he is married and has kids. I did question him and all he said was that he was very nervous and did not know what to speak about but that he was not. Anyhow we ended up contacting each other via the phone and we would speak every day for hours. Again, once in a while he would make references about how he didn't understand why a man would walk completely naked in the locker room of a gym. Or the time when he went out with a female friend of his and a gay friend of hers wanted to go out with him. Upon the girl mentioning that he was not gay to the friend, the gay friend assured her he was. She then got mad at him and said she didn't appreciate him being on the down low at which point he denied it. Then there was the fact that he would not get upset when I questioned his sexuality. Yet because of all his sweet and sexy talk I was not going with my gut feeling. Anyhow we started having an affair, (phone) I am not going to lie and say I did not want to because I did, and it was the first time I have ever done this. We carefully planned for him to visit me and so for the months leading up to our meeting it was exciting and this man swept me off of my feet by telling me he was loved me since high school, I was the girl that got away and that he was going to treat me like a queen and blow my mind sexually. There was a time when he mentioned something that his wife had done and I automatically thought she's cheating on him. At that time I did not understand why? He holds a great job and is in position of power, he's tall, chiseled and supports her, his kids and her two kids from two other men. So why is she not happy? I questioned him on it and his respose was "I don't know". He would spend a lot of time outside of his house and I thought maybe that's why she cheats. Anyway, the day finally came when we met. He was happy to see me but it was obvious that something was not right. I thought he was feeling guilt about his marriage. When we got to the room he did not act like a man who has fantasized and loved me for so many years. I thought to myself why would he make such a long trip if he wasn't into me?. The actual act of intercourse was horrible. He had no clue to what he was doing. I spent the afternoon coming on to him because he wouldn't come on to me. He didn't even react to oral, so in the middle of it I just stopped and walked away. At night as we went to sleep he didn't touch me and gave his back to me. I started to think it was "me" but I'm physically fit so I was confused. Next day he went to the gym for several hours and when he came back he was extremely happy, he was a different man. he started saying all the things he wanted to do to me sexually but he really wouldn't act on them. When we went out he would mention how happy he was that men would stare at me because he likes to walk next to a a beautiful woman & so I thought o.k. its not me? When we got back to the room he mentioned that he read about men having their G-spot in the anal area and since he had never experienced it, he asked if I would play with him and get him off. I l like to experiment but under these circumstances I just got sick to my stomach. To make matters worse he then said that his wife asked a "male" family member who was near the area we were staying to come down and stay with him to make sure he wasn't cheating and that the person would arrive in two days. He asked if I could stay and experiment with him but I would have to go by then. I immediately packed my things up and while he was still arguing with me, I left. My 5 days of romance turned into a 24 hour nightmare. All I can say is that I cried so much in the hours following. I felt dirty, stupid, inadequate, I was in a daze. I questioned my femininity over and over. I then got angry at the fact that I did not pay attention to my gut. My best friend said that maybe he did love me as he said when I was leaving but he also thought that I was going to be "that girl" the one that was going to stop him from being gay and when he realized it wasn't the case I payed the price for it. We think that he met someone at the gym and took up the opportunity to be with him since he was away from his wife. I don't know if his wife knows, but I now know why she would cheat on him. Its been several weeks and I am still hurting from it. Now I'm no longer as angry at him as much as I feel sadness, that he has to hide who he is every day of his life. I wish we could have remained friends, like he begged me to be, but because I forgive does not mean that I can forget. I need to work on myself and heal.
Name: MarieHello Helen,
First let me say, my coauthor and I feel for you and that is real talk. Having had hundreds of interviews with many men, openly gay, on the down-low, as well as straight men over the past 7 years, what you have depicted here is at the least downright dangerous. Straight men do not look at gay porn, especially for YEARS, neither do they search for gay dating sites. He may already be engaging in gay sex, If you continue to sleep with him please use protection!
My ex said he loved me and wanted to be with me. In so many ways I know he meant that, BUT, I know now that sex and love are not necessarily intertwined at all with men. They can have anonymous, casual sex with different women and/or men and still go home and be satisfied with wifey because she is more than sex to him. She solidifies his image as a man, thus he neeeeeds her. Well, what down-low and gay men have explained to me is that their sexual desire is toward and comes from having homosexual sex. So in essence, the love of my life, my husband of 30 years could never fulfill my needs because he did not desire me because I am a woman, but instead used me as his covergirl, making himself look good, while sleeping with men all 30 years of our marriage. The emptiness that left me with is indescribable. The betrayal took away any innocence I had left and changed me from the inside out. It has taken many, many years to love myself again. The choice is up to you, not him. YOU choose, Miss Lady.
Name: HelenI found gay porn many times on my fiances computer history. One search included gayf**kbook.com which is a gay dating website. He denies being gay saying he has a curious mind and the dating website was just a pop up. He admits he has been looking at gay porn for years although he does look at leanING porn too. Our sex life definitely decreased since last year but he still gets turned on my me. He does have trouble finishing which he claims could be natural stamina or a possible hernia. I'm so scared because we are so emotionally attached but my trust is gone. He only went to therapy a few times and won't admit why he is always on gay porn. What should I do?
Name: JalaniI am a 21 year old mother to a beautiful son. Me and his father has been together on and off for the past two years. I have recently found text messages in his phone leading me to believe that he is on the down low. This is not the first time that I have seen messages in his phone from this same person to make me suspcious.The first time that I saw disturbing text in his phone was about three months ago. It was one night that he was on the way to my house. The other guy had text him baby do you want me to call and talking to you until you get there. And my ex was like no baby thats ok. But when he got to my house he text the guy good night. I confronted him about those and he was like he uses the term baby because of the organization that he's in at college. So I kinda let that situation go but it was still in the bacck of mind. But recently on Dec.22nd I look through his phone while he was in the shower and I saw text from the same guy. There were text from the both of them telling each other I love you,I miss you, and even where they had like little relationship arguments. And the worse one was a picture message from the guy where he was in the bed with a huge smile on his face only showing the upper part of his body telling my ex what he could of woke up to if he was there and that he hope that he have a nice day and that he love him. Before I confronted him about the text he knew something was wrong with me because I was't talking. He kept asking what was wrong with me and I was like nothing and I went into another room. Finally after I got a little bit over the shock, I went to confront him. When I ask him about the text he said that it wasnt text from the guy. He told me that he had saved a girl number under the guy name. And I told him that he was lying because I had already called the number. In front of him I called the number again this time I put everything on the speaker phone...at first I ask for the girl and the guy was like I had the wrong number then I ask for the guy and he was this is him. And then I hung up...My ex just was speechless at that moment and by that time I had just broke down and started crying because there was no need to try to explain I mean I saw everything. I had started going over the text that I read to him in his phone and I couldnt remember all of it and I was like I can go back in your phone and read them if you want and he was like go ahead. And I couldnt find them because he had deleted them when I was off in another room. But I took a picture of the picture message because I didnt know how to foward and of the text to my phone and I still have it to this day. He kept denying that he was gay and like the was the one that was actually gay. Before I was about to leave for work I told my ex to call and tell the guy that theres nothing going on between them,on speaker. So he called the guy but he didn't put him on the speaker. While he was on the phone he told the guy what was going on between us and that I was thinking that he was gay and for him to tell me that nothing was going on between them, and the only thing that I could hear the guy say was why and then he hung up. And the only thing I could think of then was why would he hang up and get a attitude if theres nothing going on between them. So of course that also made the situation worse. My ex ended up calling the guy back and handed me the phone and started to ask this guy a whole lot of questions and he denied everything. Later on that day I ended up going to work. But towards the time I was ready to get off the other guy sent me a text saying that he was the one pushing up on my son father. But to me the only reason for that guy to text me was because my ex was upset with me. But anyways I still dont beleive either one of them bc they both lied in the beginning . My ex is still saying that hes not gay. My ex and the guy are still talking on the phone as good friends from what my ex say even though he supposedly lied on my ex in the beginning. I want to feel like im done with the situation but I kinda know Im not until my ex comes out about how he really is.
Name: Joy MarieTo Simply Me
Dear Committed Woman, we feel your pain. I can imagine the loneliness you feel because I felt that too. I felt all alone, left out, shut out and nearly ignored in my own marriage! You really need our book. It will help you sort your feelings out. Down-low men are sometimes also attracted to women, but prefer to be sexually satisfied by men. They can fake it for as long as they feel they need to. You must take your life into your own hands. Think of your future as your own woman, not solely as his soul mate. The curiosity is troubling to say the least. For him to take the chance of you finding his internet queries a SECOND time is a big chance he was willing to take. I take it you are not married to him. I am in the fall of my life now, having spent 30 years of it with my husband who was on the down-low the entire marriage. No! I did not know either, but look at the wasted years I spent with someone who did not have the capacity to love me the way I deserved to be loved. He did not cherish me. He loved me too, but it was not a nourishing love that would make me a better person. Instead, it destroyed my self-esteem and my confidence.
Be good to yourself, Lady. Your sons need a strong, happy, confident mother. The world is cruel. Life is too short to be miserable. Have a good sit down with him and then follow your God-given intuition.