Do you have a down-low experience you want to share? Have you read The Straight-Up Truth About The Down-Low, and want to write your own review? Do it here:
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Name: EyeswideopenBINGO @ Truthhurts and don't forget Narcissism, that is often part of the equation these types of males as well.
Profile of the Sociopath
This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Name: TruthhurtsThe truth is that a lot of these closeted gay men are in fact sociopath. Google the signs of a sociopath and chances are you will see a description of you DL man. I'm saying that for the lady who thinks there is a chance he might stick to his word and stop acting on his gay impulses.
Be strong don't let anyone use you and your kids as a cover and to appear respectable while they selfishly go out there and risk your health. Your kids won't have a mom nor a dad if he takes the both of you to the grave by contracting an incurable decease.
And for Oglesia, you have given me hope, may God bless you and you children.
Name: olgesiaI read the book 2 years ago, when I suspected that my husband is gay. Also I went to the family counselor and she helped me to open my eyes at that time too. My husband of 10 years marriage is also an alcoholic and marijuana and cocaine user. I was trying to figure out why our marriage did not work and it took me 2 years eventually to leave him. With his addiction things just are more complicated. My story is that I met my husband online 12 years ago and I'm from another country. In 2 years I moved here, did not speak much English, had 3 year old child and was very dependent on him. After maybe first month he started to come late and being drunk. After couple years he introduced me to his friends gays in his favorite gay club. They were very nice and sweet and all of them heard the good things about me. We had a baby and I was trying to be a good wife, mother and housekeeper, while my husband was always working late and come home drunken. Many times I wanted to leave him but had nowhere to go and he threatened to take our daughter from me. But I wasn't that fool he thought. I went to the Nursing school got my degree, and after got a position in a big hospital. Got myself financially secured. I loved my husband very much and was trying to have a happy family, but it seems he was not there for me, he was distant. Two years ago I begin feel that "I was going Crazy", when I started check his pockets found out that he was using cocaine. Was shocked. He left his cell phone at home one day and I found messages with another guy about meeting in the hotel. At that time he was denying that he is gay and he was a good manipulator to turn everything around and make me look in fault for something. I was trying to live with this man for kids, but life was a nightmare and I could not take it anymore. I became strong financially and with the support of my friends I left him 1 month ago. I also found more messages with the same gay friend, and my husband told me that I don't understand the content right, that they just joke. Whatever! I never catch him of doing sexual act but I have many red flags about his orientation. I bought a nice house, drive a nice car, love my job. My life getting so much better that I don't have this monster who was using me as cover up; who lied to me all these years. I never could get answers from him about sexuality or addiction. Couple times after separation we were talking; and he said that we need time being apart and because we love each other, we maybe will get together again. He still in denial about his addiction, he is not going get help. I decided to write because I feel still confused about what happened and why. I know if he would get help for his addiction we maybe could be together, but knowing that he used me to cover up' I know for sure I cannot take it anymore. I come to the terms that how good I would not be as wife, mother, and housekeeper, I could not make this man happy because he choose the wrong way of living. I begged him to come out of closet and I would understand and we could be just friends, but he is not strong enough for it. Irony is that his mom and brother also suspected that he is gay two years ago. When I told his mom, she was not surprised at all, I also showed her text messages and she understood that they were more than joke too. Thank you for reading my story and please write some comments.
Name: LoisThanks to each of you for your stories because it has been a hard few weeks since I was told of my husband preferences, and I didn't know if I could stand to hold my head up more less speak this out loud for fear of the embarrassment and shame, but I appreciate all of you for shedding light that I am not alone and can be a survivor of this mess.
Name: KathyI have been married for 20 years. My husband has acted out on his homosexual feelings twice in our marriage. The second being the worst. He paid a gay male therapist (prostitute) for 5-6 years. Each time I have caught him and each time he says he does not want that life style. He loves me and wants to stay married. He is going to counseling and working on his situation.
I feel so much hurt and confusion. Why can't people like this just make a decision and stick with it?! We have children and this is one thing that has kept the marriage together. This was something we both felt strongly about.
Do you have experience with any couples such as mine?
Name: MarieTo Ann,
There are so many red flags in the behavior of this man that by all means, you should step back, be truthful with yourself and reassess this situation. Why don't you deserve a partner that only wants you and you alone? Why allow ANY man to disrespect you this way by blatantly seeking other forms of sexual pleasure that are not YOU. You deserve better. From what you have written here, he most likely is very gay and has already been with men, I would assume, because of his age. Don't waste your life with someone that wants other than you, be they male or female. Please cease unprotected sex with him. Don't fret over this relationship. A few years is not wasted, but 30 years is. That is what I went through. 30 years of being married to a man that was sleeping with men behind my back. Why take that chance, Ann? You deserve so much better. Even being alone is better than being emotionally abused and rejected intimately. Lack of intimacy is one of the signs of a down-low man. He can't be intimate with you because he does not desire you. Run, Ann.
Peace and Love
How are you? This may sound strange but hear me out first please.
I had started dating this man about 3 yrs ago. We dated 3 months
and then I moved in with him. I assumed he was interested in me as
much as I him. Anyways, before I moved in he did not mind having a
normal sex life. Then when I moved in he said ( We need to do things
right...no intercourse, go to church, yada yada )
So, that's how things began..then I started noticing him being on porn
websites , Emailing Ex girlfriends, being on affair websites, and I also
found some Gay web history. So I confronted him and said ( Hey,
you want to do things right so why are you doing all this?) He laughed
and said he did not look anything like that up, yet he looks ups gay articles all the time.
So I said stop this if you want to move forward
in this relationship. He has continued with the emailing of ex-girlfriends
up till a few months ago. Anyways I've just noticed allot of strange things
and think he's Gay or Bi and that's why he does not want to commit and
makes excuses for his behavior. He wants to do marriage counsel ling for the third time since I've been here. I'm putting some things I consider
strange at the bottom. Would you please email me back. I'd like
your opinion. Thanks allot.
1. He does not want to have normal sex.(Most straight guys do after 3 yrs)
2. Does not like to french kiss.
3. Never had a relationship last more than 3 months since his divorce in his 30's.
He is 62 now.
4. Makes excuses not to marry. Baggage, kids, dogs, etc...
5. Does not say intimate things.
6. Will say ( look at that guys chest ) when we're watching a movie.
7. Likes Whitney Houston music
8. Can't seem to sleep good. Up allot at night.
9. Has a flower hanging over his fireplace
10. Very feminine
11. Very concerned with his weight. Dyes his hair.
12. Say's ( I have to go to the powder room, or the tree is Pretty )
13. likes chick flicks, ( Steel Magnolias ) Likes ( Whitney Houston).
And many, many more....
Name: Eyes wide openI am very greatful for your book. I have been married for 40 yrs and this year my husband diecided to really go all out with the dl. The kids are grown and gone from home. I told him that I want a divorce and he wants to know why after all these years? He has used me as his covergirl and when I meet the women from his job, they tell me how he does not fool around. He will tell them he's married. Now he wants me to meet the men he works with and has even put them on the phone to prove that he has a wife. He is 60 yrs old and my kids think that he will kill himself if I move out. I am scared because he is very controling, but I feel I this man has taken my life from me. Everyone says to me that I have the perfect marriage and they just don't know. I have no shared with my family why I'm leaving because I don't want them to hate him . I just want to be away from this life of lies.
Name: Marie of Joy MarieStill Blessed,
Although life is throwing me granades right now, I have been so busy throwing them back that I have not written anyone personally on the site for a few weeks, but when I read yours story, I had to show up and stand beside you to let others know that God reveals things to us in our dreams. He did it with me too. So folks should truly consider it.
During our 27th year of marriage, I had a dream that I was on a bus with my sister. (Hadnt been on a bus in 40 years). It was beautiful sunny day and we were sitting on the back seat of the bus. Noone else on the bus. Suddenly, I looked outside and saw my husband and another male walking down the street in dresses. My husband had on the same color dress that he wore as a uniform at his job. He had on a wig that was sitting sideways on his head. Red lipstick was smeared on his lips and he had a big grin on his face as he walked unsteadily with hairy legs pushed into high black pumps. The other male looked sad as if he were embarrassed. When I took it all in, I gasped, saying nothing because I did not want my sister to see what I saw because the other person was dear to her. I just held my breath and slowly got off the bus alone and walked to this little wooden shack that I had seen them come out of. When I opened the door, the stench of sex hit me in the face. A mattress was on the floor with an army blanket on it and semen stains were all over it. There was another part of the dream that would take too long to explain, but ......
Still, even after God showed me the entire picture in this dream, I still didn't get what this dream depicted until after I found out a few years later that he was on the downlow... gay.
Just thought I would share, back you up, and give help to others that may be dealing with some aspect of this.
God Bless You and thank you for your story.
Peace and Love,
Name: still blessedMy story is quite funny and heart breaking.
I'm a big believer of God speaking to people in their dreams. Before I caught my husband with evidence via text/craigslist postings on men seeking men on the history of his computer. I had suspected for years that he was a little feminine to say the least but I choose to ignore that sign "big mistake". Long story short, apparently someone took my husbands.picture off of his at the time, my space picture and created an.account on a website called "Adam 4 Adam"...so he stats. Now this was his reason for texting men and "pretending to be gay" he said his friend of 15 years (which happens to be gay) is helping me speak the way he was to make it real and find the "impersonator". mind you he was flirting with a friend of ours well via text. I went to a pastor at a local church for counciling before confronting him and took my now 2 year old son to his grandma. I needed to be calmed because I wanted to attack him, God needed to be in my heart and mind before speaking to him. Anyway we moved passed out, he denied it I gave him.the benefit of the doubt, prayed on it and has left it up to God ever since.
Just 4 days ago I had a dream of my husband having sex with men. Then the same dream of him being on the dl happened the next day. So I started to snoop and found a simple text.between.him and a mutual friend but he was texting him.and.flirting to see.if he would bit back, the poor kid.didn't get it or never.responded back. What disturbed me was his womanly ways of texting. So I went ahead and.started digging deeper, with his sent emails, trash and I found nothing! but this time I wasnt going to stop searching for evidence that the story he told was a half lie, so today 5/16/12 @ 3:14 am...I found it all and what's funny is, it was in the same place I looked before the trash in his email. ALL the.evidence.I need. he now searches.for men near Ontario CA where live, sends his Pics, writes to them to hook up, they send him pics of their *icks, he responds if he Is down, and now has gone as bold as searching for men in our apartment that have posted their apartment name and how their looking for someone. he has been telling them i'm at work to come over and apparently my husband only like to give oral. No other text or email suggest otherwise. But who knows...?
This is the craziest truth that I can hardly swallow but yet funny God told me in my dreams that I would have a son and that I was prego. He also allowed me to see my worries in my dreams in regard to my husband twice.now! This time around I can't allow the truth to be held from me, either way I want out of this marriage. Im 26, he is 32 and now i'm prego; and i'm not having it, I just can't go through the deception and be happy to be with child. I still have my youth and I have so much I want to accomplish with or without him. I can't see myself ever trusting him let alone being physical ever again. Its now 7am and he.will be up soon and so will my son. I will.drive.him to his grandma and have a talk when I return. I'm scared, confused and hurt. But I hope after today I will only live for my son and I.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for listening