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Name: You know what you have to do@ Searching for answers.
You will never have peace with this male, that anxiety that always comes back is a big indicator of that, you already know things are not right with this individual . You know in your spirit what the truth is. Cut your losses.
@ Golden I too believe many of these males were molested as boys by other boys, or pedophiles which is heartbreaking but that is NEVER an excuse to deceive, use and emotionally abuse women. I too was molested, but I have never used that as an excuse to live foul or trifling, using, abusing, and wounding people.
Name: Searching for answersThis website is a blessing. Although I have not read the book yet, the stories are so insightful and supportive... I appreciate the authenticity and trust in these transparent stories.
Please comment honestly, I am seeking truth!
I am in a relationship with a man, late 40's, who has never been married and does not have children, although he loves and accepts mine. Long story short, we have been in a roller coaster relationship and I have suspected him to be in a relationship with his best friend, male. Overall, it would best be described like the movie Brokeback Mountain.
His sexual desires are low, and that causes tension with us because mine are high. In the past, at times, he has put his friend before me. I have caught him in lies about them as he has shared stories about their lives, friends for 20 years. He imitates him constantly. Recently, while his friend was visiting, he called him "babes" and "baby" nearly a dozen times. Anytime I bring up inconsistencies in his stories or share that I felt awkward hearing him call his friend "baby/babes" he erupts with uncontrollable rage.
We live apart and his friend visits a lot, often while I am not there. My gut just feels like something is not right. I have confronted these feelings, and it has taken our rollercoaster ride into orbit. I love this man, yet love myself too much to continue with his narcissistic, rude, and unpredictably dangerous behavior. I have grown exponentially, and learned how to share my feelings appropriately yet strongly with boundaries; however, every time I share my feelings or confusion (calling him out on his lies), he explodes and says I am causing DRAMA. I am not a dramatic woman, rather quite the opposite, yet he continues to blame me for everything.
Several mutual female friends and family members have also questioned the friendship as being more between these two men, and contribute the anger as part of the equation. All I know is that it is not normal, and I am at the threshold of moving on with my life because of the under currents of anger, regardless of the truth of my concern with him sexually.
Through my growth, I have learned to embrace and love myself fully, all of me. This man is my best friend in that he pushed me to the depths of my core to face the truth of being molested as a child. I have finally found peace within and can trust myself, which is huge! Yet, always in tune with my spirit, which is one with God's through faith, an uneasiness remains within me about my partner and his friend.
I have told him in love that I cannot and will not be with an abusive man: mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, etc... and I cannot love him fully if I do not feel safe and secure with him. My desire is to have a happy, healthy, harmonious union and to be wed . . .
God, please hear my prayers. Just like all of you reading, I have shed more tears over this issue and felt out of my mind with anxiety because of uneasiness and suspicions. I want peace of mind - every time I let go of this issue and let us "be" something comes up between them and fills me with confusion all over again.
Help! Any insights, comments, etc welcome.
Thank you and God bless you all.
Name: Armed And DangerousI received my book today and couldn't put it down until I finished reading it tonight. It confirmed the my soon to be ex-husband's actions that I dismissed as coincidences. The way he'd slip and compliment a handsome man or why he'd always try to convince me to have anal sex. I often wondered why he'd keep baby oil in his gym bag..dirt bag! He'd often say "I ain't shit". The man was right! I want to thank the authors of the book for hipping women everywhere unto these selfish, cowardly ungodly predators. Kudos to you!
Name: GoldenWhat a sense of betrayal. We have been married 24 years and together 30. I THOUGHT he was my best friend, then we had sex and became a couple. The early years we talked and shared (of course me more so than he) yet, I felt he cared. The sad part of this is being a woman of faith, I see the spiritual side and no one wants to talk about the imprint that happens when a person is sexually molested, abused or assaulted as their very first sexual experience. The body and psyche are permanently marked!! I have never heard anyone speak of the guilt of being violated "feeling good." This fact is never addressed and that takes a hold. [I say this as one who was sexually abused for years by the same man and battled this personally.] It was twenty years into our marriage that he spoke of being molested at age five. I was concerned in college, but look back and see the signs. The sad part is his father showed the same disregard for family without the homosexual issue. BUT, betrayal took form of a child by another woman. I could have respected being honest and saying YEARS ago that marriage was not for him. We both could have gone our separate ways. but to have no back-bone, what kind of man are you? The nuclear family is under attack and truth is a thing of the past. I pray for all of us, especially my children. I have three daughters who have never seen a loving marriage. What kind of men will they e drawn to and will they be part of the horrifying statistics of African American Women dying of HIV?AIDS?
Name: Marie of Joy MarieKathy,I read your post and feel compelled to reach out to you personally. Please send your email to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will be in touch as soon as I see it.
Peace and Love
Name: EyeswideopenBINGO @ Truthhurts and don't forget Narcissism, that is often part of the equation these types of males as well.
Profile of the Sociopath
This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Name: TruthhurtsThe truth is that a lot of these closeted gay men are in fact sociopath. Google the signs of a sociopath and chances are you will see a description of you DL man. I'm saying that for the lady who thinks there is a chance he might stick to his word and stop acting on his gay impulses.
Be strong don't let anyone use you and your kids as a cover and to appear respectable while they selfishly go out there and risk your health. Your kids won't have a mom nor a dad if he takes the both of you to the grave by contracting an incurable decease.
And for Oglesia, you have given me hope, may God bless you and you children.
Name: olgesiaI read the book 2 years ago, when I suspected that my husband is gay. Also I went to the family counselor and she helped me to open my eyes at that time too. My husband of 10 years marriage is also an alcoholic and marijuana and cocaine user. I was trying to figure out why our marriage did not work and it took me 2 years eventually to leave him. With his addiction things just are more complicated. My story is that I met my husband online 12 years ago and I'm from another country. In 2 years I moved here, did not speak much English, had 3 year old child and was very dependent on him. After maybe first month he started to come late and being drunk. After couple years he introduced me to his friends gays in his favorite gay club. They were very nice and sweet and all of them heard the good things about me. We had a baby and I was trying to be a good wife, mother and housekeeper, while my husband was always working late and come home drunken. Many times I wanted to leave him but had nowhere to go and he threatened to take our daughter from me. But I wasn't that fool he thought. I went to the Nursing school got my degree, and after got a position in a big hospital. Got myself financially secured. I loved my husband very much and was trying to have a happy family, but it seems he was not there for me, he was distant. Two years ago I begin feel that "I was going Crazy", when I started check his pockets found out that he was using cocaine. Was shocked. He left his cell phone at home one day and I found messages with another guy about meeting in the hotel. At that time he was denying that he is gay and he was a good manipulator to turn everything around and make me look in fault for something. I was trying to live with this man for kids, but life was a nightmare and I could not take it anymore. I became strong financially and with the support of my friends I left him 1 month ago. I also found more messages with the same gay friend, and my husband told me that I don't understand the content right, that they just joke. Whatever! I never catch him of doing sexual act but I have many red flags about his orientation. I bought a nice house, drive a nice car, love my job. My life getting so much better that I don't have this monster who was using me as cover up; who lied to me all these years. I never could get answers from him about sexuality or addiction. Couple times after separation we were talking; and he said that we need time being apart and because we love each other, we maybe will get together again. He still in denial about his addiction, he is not going get help. I decided to write because I feel still confused about what happened and why. I know if he would get help for his addiction we maybe could be together, but knowing that he used me to cover up' I know for sure I cannot take it anymore. I come to the terms that how good I would not be as wife, mother, and housekeeper, I could not make this man happy because he choose the wrong way of living. I begged him to come out of closet and I would understand and we could be just friends, but he is not strong enough for it. Irony is that his mom and brother also suspected that he is gay two years ago. When I told his mom, she was not surprised at all, I also showed her text messages and she understood that they were more than joke too. Thank you for reading my story and please write some comments.
Name: LoisThanks to each of you for your stories because it has been a hard few weeks since I was told of my husband preferences, and I didn't know if I could stand to hold my head up more less speak this out loud for fear of the embarrassment and shame, but I appreciate all of you for shedding light that I am not alone and can be a survivor of this mess.
Name: KathyI have been married for 20 years. My husband has acted out on his homosexual feelings twice in our marriage. The second being the worst. He paid a gay male therapist (prostitute) for 5-6 years. Each time I have caught him and each time he says he does not want that life style. He loves me and wants to stay married. He is going to counseling and working on his situation.
I feel so much hurt and confusion. Why can't people like this just make a decision and stick with it?! We have children and this is one thing that has kept the marriage together. This was something we both felt strongly about.
Do you have experience with any couples such as mine?