You can’t believe it. It can’t possibly be true. No, not him—and no, not you, but somewhere deep in your heart, you know it really is true. All the pieces of the puzzle were there, but you couldn’t and didn’t want to connect the dots because your heart refused to believe what your brain and your intuition were telling you. What happened to your dream, your life, and your sense of security? Something suddenly snatched it all away, but where were you? Why didn’t you see it coming?

You discover your husband is secretly sleeping with men. He is part of the secretive subculture known as the “down-low.” You feel shocked, disgusted, ashamed, humiliated, angry, stupid, foolish, victimized, hurt, betrayed, deceived, shattered, confused, devastated, and used. You feel dirty, violated, and terrified about the possibility of being infected with HIV or some other nasty STD. You find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster, plunging deep into despair, desperate to get off. You search frantically for answers; some sort of validation for your feelings and even something—anything—to prove you wrong. You surf the net desperately seeking information. However, you discover that the on-line support groups are geared toward helping the gay person come to terms with their own sexuality, but there’s nothing to help you. You’re left feeling ignored, overlooked, and victimized all over again.

You anxiously search the bookstores and libraries looking for any books on the subject. After reading the various books on the down-low, you are still left amazingly uninformed. You’ve read the book written by the gay man that actually faults the woman for one reason or another. When it comes to the black man, he even faults their culture. You’ve read “Mr. Down-low’s” point of view that almost glorifies the lifestyle and makes it sound like an exclusive fraternity. You’ve also been given the account of “Mr. Down-low’s” ex-wife who has forgiven and moved on 20 years after the experience. Although these books have been somewhat informative, they still have not touched on the real devastation left in the wake of this deceitful and cowardly lifestyle.

The purpose of this book is to provide support and resources for the wives, lovers, and families that have been victimized by homosexual men masquerading as straight. Our intent is to educate and inform women who may encounter men on the down-low and support the women who have experienced it already. We believe the account of our experiences and what we have learned will bring about awareness and a heightened sense of self-responsibility. There are plenty of people who only speak about this subject to defend the down-low, to further misinform women and/or to make money. We believe our lives should be in our own hands and not theirs. We have chosen to write this book in order to speak for ourselves and not allow someone else, who hasn’t been through it, to tell our story.

This is not a book full of statistics, articles, or scientific data. It is written by two women who have experienced the anguish and misery of being married to men on the down-low. They share from the depths of their hearts, souls, and minds as they tell their own stories and the stories of other women who have lived through this devastating experience. Contrary to the beliefs of some authors, there are telltale signs when a man is on the down-low. We address those signs and answer many of your questions that have been ignored by other books written on the subject. Though the account of the down-low lifestyle is described in very graphic detail, we feel it is necessary to accurately portray the reality of this life-threatening behavior.
 
Excerpt from Janine’s “Fairy Tale”

“One night, around midnight, I was lying in bed feeling extremely sad and lonely. I had been crying all day. My husband was sound asleep beside me. Something told me to listen to Gary’s cell phone messages. I lay there for a while and contemplated what to do because I didn’t want to violate his privacy. The voice became louder and told me to check his cell phone. I slid out of bed and took Gary’s cell phone from his night table. I took it into the bathroom and listened to his messages from our children as well as other usual mundane messages. My hands were already shaking, it was almost as if I knew something disturbing was about to happen. Suddenly, I heard a man’s voice calling my husband, “Baby.” My heart started pounding, I couldn’t breathe, and my body began to tremble from head to toe. The man was telling him how good he looked as he walked into the office today. He called him “his baby,” and sounded very proud. As I was reeling from shock, I heard another voice message from the same man, telling Gary he couldn’t get together with him at the job this weekend and he hoped he wasn’t mad. He also said, “The lifestyle is very difficult and he only wanted one thing.” He then said, “Baby, you really put something on my mind and I can’t stop thinking about it.” The tone was very intimate like a man would speak to his woman. I was in total shock, but what was really strange is I felt the depression lifting from my body. I now knew the source of it.”

Excerpt from “The Warning Signs”

“What are the signs?” That’s what every woman wants to know. Are there signs that would expose the secret sex life of a down-low man? J.L. King and other authors have written that there are no signs. This statement is indicative of the narcissistic thinking of a down-low man who believes that just like he fooled every woman in his life to believe he is straight, he can also sucker women into believing that there are no telltale signs. Women who have been in relationships with down-low men have truly been given 20/20 hindsight. In this section, we will discuss signs that have been discovered by wives and girlfriends of down-low men, as well as signs given to us by down-low men themselves. These signs range from the most obvious to the very subtle. It is so important that you give all of the signs the same attention because what one woman may not recognize, another one will.

Excerpt from “A Candid Interview” with a Down-Low man

Did she have to beg you for sex?
Sort of. She’d whine about it sometimes. She definitely initiated it far more than I ever did.

Was there passion for her as you made love to her or was it contrived?
We had a passionate relationship at first, particularly before we married. Afterwards we became less and less passionate, as most couples do with time and familiarity, I suppose. As I mentioned before, I had learned to function in bed with a woman by thinking about men, but that became harder and harder to pull off. Gradually it just depressed me when I’d feel her press against my back and put her arm around me. I’d feel her breasts and her soft skin, and I just ached for it to be a sensation of muscle and body hair instead, the roughness and heat of a man holding me, wanting me. I was finally satisfied to let her think I had erectile dysfunction; that I was impotent, rather than admit my unabated hunger for a man’s attentions.